My mom died when I was 30 years old. That was 33 years ago, and I have missed her every day of those years. I still had a lot to learn from my mother, not the least of which was how to be a mother to grownup children!
At 30 years of age, my mom was the first person I called when I needed advice or help or comforting or just to get the feeling that my world was safe and ok. In those days, calling mom was not as easy as it is now—no cell phones, just long distance! So long, comforting chats weren’t possible and advice was given quickly and clearly, lol.
We have four children—two boys and two girls. Actually, two men and two women since they are all older than 30 these days and closing in on 40 rapidly. I am struggling with how to “mother” these adults with their own, busy lives. They are still my babies, whom I carried for 9 months each. I still love them so much and would love nothing better than to make their lives perfect and easy for them.
I’m shaking my head here, because life is not easy for anyone and no matter how hard I wish or pray for it, our children will have to learn their own lessons. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I am an intrusive mother/mother-in-law to them all. I just wish I could be of more help, because right now:
- Three of our children have or are in the process of getting a divorce. I don’t wish them to stay in a bad marriage, but sometimes I wish I could hold them and make the hurt go away.
- Three of our seven grandchildren are moving away with their mother to another state. I can’t express how much I am grieving this, for Rory and me and for our son.
- One of our daughters is valiantly fighting to find her strength and direction while separating from her husband. I am so proud of her, but wish she didn’t have to go through this.
- Our other daughter is excelling in her career and as a mom, but using all her energy to do it. While I am so glad she has a wonderful best friend, I miss being her confidant and go-to person.
- Our other son is engaged to a wonderful Filipino woman with an adorable daughter and soon we will be fitting them into our extended family. I hope I can be her friend and help her learn how to be an American!
As a mom, I am naturally most close to our daughters, because they talk to me more. Both of our sons are strong men who “do it themselves” (as they have since they were 2!). Lately, I have begun to understand that my place is no longer as confidant, advisor and friend to them. Rather, I am now the Nana who will spoil their children, answer late night calls about sick children and listen (and possibly advise) to problems with those children. I am no longer welcome into their personal lives as younger women. I’m not sure I am even welcome to be around their friends!
I guess this is all a natural progression of life. It is hard for me to be objective about this, because I would so welcome one more day or even one more hour with my mom. I never reached that point with her because she was sick, I had babies, I needed her so much—I still do. She was the master at being who she was supposed to be. I know she would have done this right. Because she was perfection as a mother, absolutely perfection.
So, now that I have got myself crying over my mom again, please leave comments about how you as a boomer are handling your relationship with your grown children. I could use some advice here!
Feeling sensitive in my amazing grace-filled life.
Oh, wow Cheri! Makes me think of all the times I too wish my mom was still here to give advice. But, I have you, my surrogate mom! Thank you!!
Bonnie, you are such a good friend and inspiration to me. Our parenting talks are so helpful to me! Thanks for listening while I struggle through this process. 🙂
Cheri,
Can I just say that I think you are a wonderful mother! My mother’s mom died when she was 8 and we’ve had many conversations like this as she learned how to be a mom from her dad and never felt adequate. As adults, she is our great friend but I agree that that relationship is not fostered as it was when we were kids. While I have no advice for mothering adults (my 4 children are all under 11), I can say that perhaps it’s the kids who need to read this and see that mom is still there willing to love, befriend, advise and MOTHER in anyway possible. Reading this made me want to make sure my mom still knew she was important and needed by me, as she is, but perhaps I don’t tell her enough. I love you guys and your family!
Emily,
I am so very grateful for your friendship with Stefanie–she needs you now! I know she still loves me, it’s just hard to watch her go through stuff and not be able to help. I once heard a quote about being a father that also applies to being a mother–“we have two opportunities to excel in the father/son relationship. Once as the son, and then again as the father” . I think this is so true and all of us who lost parents early feel a void in that process that is hard to fill. The problem is that where there is great love, there is the capacity for great hurt. Having a child is like pulling your heart out of your chest and exposing it to the world and all it’s pain. Being a parent is complicated! You, by the way, are a great mom as well as a good friend–never forget that.